This Children Thing Is Hard

I love my kids. I really do. But it amazes me how they can aggravate, frustrate and agitate me like Donald Trump or my partner’s ex. I know I’m not shattering Earth with this pronouncement. But I’m sharing it nonetheless because one of my therapists advised me once to get everything off my chest except nipples and hair.

I know all about the “adjusting the boundaries” and “cutting the apron strings” and “letting them learn to find their own way.” But what about “causing you to develop stress acne” and “making sure your wallet never contains green paper for long?” What about “good kids will be bad” and “prepare to be insulted like your worst enemy insults, only nastier?” How come Spock didn’t tell us to prepare to become Uber drivers because progeny have places to go? How come nurses don’t hand out “Get Ready for This, Chumps” brochures with our swaddled newborns when we leave the hospital?

Seems Like Yesterday

Each of my children is advanced and beautiful. Each is a great student, a popular, smart and witty human being. I used to think a child’s personality depended almost exclusively on their environment but now I know they come out with specific preferences, quirks and characteristics. Some of these are downright enviable and some are the work of Beelzebub.

Take my 16-year-old, for example. How can she laugh with me, make me smile, turn me on to great new music and sit next to me on the couch instead of across the room one minute and scream that she hates me – really despises me, wishes I were dead and promises to help make that happen while I’m asleep – the next?

How did my 14-year-old go from a loving little boy, a genuinely sweet and happy, respectful and talkative child one day and suddenly prefer to spend 1,435 minutes behind the closed door of his room every day (when not at school or with friends) and the other five towering over me, grunting and complaining and demanding that I buy him something that he absolutely, definitely, urgently needs for this practice or that field trip, for this planned outing with pals or that simple whim?

How did my 13-year-old go from being active and energetic, aware of the world around her and excited to interact with people and animals to preferring to lay on her bed, isolated, Samsung Galaxy 6 in hand, watching Desperate Housewives and The Walking Dead on Netflix all day, every day?

I can’t include my 11-year-old in this mild rant because she still listens, cleans up and creates special moments to be savored and remembered. For now.

There are times, of course, when they do something nice or something I asked immediately and without complaint. There are times when they say or write something sweet and hang their wet towels instead of dropping them on the floor. But these moments are now fleeting and few and far between.

My 11-Year-Old

How did they go from sharing respect for this beautiful house, keeping things tidy and in their place, to filling every nook and cranny with stuff, leaving lacrosse sticks and backpacks all over and transforming the living room into a garage? When did they decide that it doesn’t matter if they leave bags of bread out to go stale and drop cookies and crumbs on the pantry floor? When did they choose to sweep unidentified objects under their beds, out of sight and out of mind, and leave more bottles and lotions strewn around their bathroom than Bath & Body Works sells? When did they decide that folding clothes and bringing dirty dishes back downstairs are not in their purview? When did they choose to say “please” and “thank you” as frequently as when grandma wins the lottery and aliens steal the neighbors?

I know their happiness should be my number one concern, that I should tolerate and alleviate and mitigate the negative and prepare them to be compassionate, productive, grateful citizens when they leave the nest. I know I should strive to make sure they’re well-mannered and well-spoken, free of the sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations that so many permissive parents breed in their offspring. But sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes I just want to escape to somewhere with TV remotes I can control, floors I can see and beer I can drink without guilt. Sometimes I just want to be relieved, albeit just temporarily, of the need to break up fights, adapt to moodiness, give up plans and tolerate slammed doors. Sometimes I just want to focus on me.

I guess this is what I get for helping to propagate my species.

My children can be truly wonderful – when they’re around their Mom and others. They can display potential and understanding, good humor and determination, flexibility and likability when not in my presence. I am crazy about them and I'm thankful I don’t have the kind of kids I read about – when I get a chance to read.

Surprise Smooch

Spoil You with Love - Joseph Dean ft. K-Zee and Marvalous MC

Sanders Is No Nader

Josh Fielder, my good friend and fellow writer (see “Facebook Friends Like Fielder”), touched on something in a recent essay that I want to write about as well: the inaccurate labeling of Bernie Sanders as a Ralph Nader-esque spoiler whose candidacy is going to give us President Trump just as Nader’s helped to give us Dubya the Dense back in 2000. This is just plain wrong and I’ll tell you why.

Nader’s participation in the 2000 presidential campaign was never taken seriously by anyone other than Green Party members who supported him (and others who considered themselves mavericks but were in actuality just neophytes and naysayers desperate to break the lock that our two parties have on politics in America). He was an oddity, an activist with great name ID and lousy interpersonal skills who based his campaign almost solely on fixing this country’s broken political machine rather than on anything that most voters cared about. His persona was underwhelming; he was like the crabby uncle who was newly sober and who showed up for Thanksgiving bitching about the traffic.

Ralph Nader

On the other hand (and to the surprise of the pundits, the parties and the press), while Sanders is touching on the same theme, he’s successfully expanded the criticism to include specific attacks on Wall Street and the Big Banks, corporate cash and a complicit media. His campaign is more clearly and sharply bemoaning inequality and economic unfairness. He’s relentlessly threatening to do something about the spoiled status quo. (No one can accuse the guy of not staying on message.) And while not blessed with movie star looks or JFK’s style, Sanders has a noteworthy presence and demeanor, a rumpled attractiveness that contributes to the impression that he’s clearly not in this to advance his career or advance up the political ladder. This guy’s for real. He’s a Jew from Brooklyn. He's one of us.

Nader wasn’t leading a revolution; he had already made his mark as the most prominent of consumer advocates, the guy who killed Chevy’s Corvair by labeling it “Unsafe at Any Speed” and who, together with “Nader’s Raiders,” helped bring about the Clean Water Act and other milestones of the time. Young people didn’t know who he was and old people thought he was a fool to throw his hat into the ring and tarnish his formerly-stellar reputation as the King of Consumer Protection.

Sanders is leading a genuine revolution, bringing young and old into his unconventional tent with his promise to really clean up the system and make life better for all of us, not just the one percent. His rallies pack stadiums and his fundraising success impresses even the most seasoned political moochers. Unlike Ralph Nader, Bernie Sanders has become a real threat to the Powers that Be and a stark difference from his Democratic opponent with her flip-flopping messages and corporate ties.

You Know Who

Nader – who was the Green Party’s nominee in 1996 and 2000 and ran as an independent in 2004 and 2008 – hurt Al Gore, the Democratic candidate in 2000, by snagging an admittedly impressive 2.8 million votes, thereby making the Florida debacle and eventual Supreme Court appointment of Dubya possible. (Google it if you don’t know what I mean.) I don’t know if he knew that he was a spoiler but almost everybody else did.

In fairness to the guy, he did found Public Citizen, a respected NGO that focuses on consumer rights in Washington, D.C. He did fight nuclear power and promote environmental protection before it was cool. He was anti-war and pro-Civil Rights. He did step out on a limb again and again to advocate for the voiceless. If only he hadn’t run again and again for a job that he had no real shot at getting.

Sanders, conversely, does have a shot. A real one, to the chagrin of many. He’s not trying to spoil Hillary Clinton’s chances. He’s trying to win and he might.

The Island in Winter

You Shouldn't Have To - Brad Paisley

Berniebots Unfriending Hillarybots

I don’t have a problem unfriending people in Facebook. It doesn’t matter if I know them in real life or not. It doesn’t matter if they’re family, female or male. It doesn’t matter if we’ve been friends forever or have friends in common. If they’re churlish, condescending, childish or combative, they’re gone.

I’ve decided that at my age – I turned 54 two weeks ago – I shouldn’t have to suffer fools gladly or tolerate behavior from adults that I don’t allow my own children to display. And because this is a particularly divisive political season, with a seemingly gigantic chasm separating Clinton and Sanders supporters, I find myself rubbed the wrong way by some folks almost daily. Well, guess what? I’m done.

As the following video clip conveys – much more eloquently and precisely than I could – it’s not the fact that some folks are behind Clinton and not Sanders. It’s the condescension, the dripping sarcasm and belittling and better-than-thou posturing that are so infuriating. I’ve been in or around politics for over three decades now and I can’t remember the last time I felt this insulted, this patronized and disregarded by people on my supposed side of the aisle. I expect this kind of intolerant, unacceptable behavior by GOP clowns but the fact that vitriol and ridicule are being leveled by my supposed allies is surprising and downright depressing.

I concede that some in Sanders’ corner are shrill and strident. But downright rude and bulldozer-like? That’s coming from Clintonites. This Facebook status is a case in point:

You should care, folks. You should care that thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, are flocking behind Sanders and joining his “revolution.” You insult and ignore us at your peril. And listen to this: I started out respecting those in the Clinton camp even while I didn’t share their preference in candidates – see “Why I’m Not Voting for Hillary Clinton” – but I’ve been mistreated and had my feathers ruffled to such an extent that I can’t envision myself voting for her should she indeed be coronated by the Democratic establishment. I’ve gone from “If she becomes the nominee, I’ll hold my nose and vote for her” to “Screw her and let’s let the chips fall where they may.” You can thank yourselves, Clinton supporters, for turning dedicated Democrats into disgruntled observers who would sooner sit on their hands than turn out for the “lesser of two evils” on Election Day.

I do not want to see a President Trump or President Cruz. I’m not embracing the “Maybe what we need is catastrophe to shake things up” belief that actress Susan Sarandon and others have shared. But I’m tired of the “Either of these candidates would be better than a Republican so let’s keep our eye on the prize” and “Let’s not let the perfect be the enemy of the pragmatic” memes that pop up on my Facebook newsfeed.

I’m tired of hearing about how important potential Supreme Court appointments would be and how Sanders won’t be able to get anything done and how it’s time for a woman to occupy the Oval Office. At the risk of sounding like a middle-aged white guy, no, it’s not. It should be about voting record or policy positions, not penis or vagina. I would like to be able to vote for a female candidate, in fact, but not this one. Not this pro-establishment, pro-corporation, pro-status quo female. Not this two-faced, flip-flopping, disingenuous, unlikable, war-mongering individual who actually does women a disservice by running the kind of campaign that she’s run and allowing her surrogates and supporters to take swipes at her progressive opponents instead of defending her positions.

Think she’s not unlikable? Watch this:

It’s fitting that this piece is being posted on April Fool’s Day. Why? Because only fools would allow Facebook “friends” to malign and marginalize them for leaning toward a guy who’s been fighting the good fight for decades rather than someone who regularly changes positions and chastises those who point this out. Instead of warning me not to sit on my hands, Hillarybots, how about not making me want to?

If it’s wrong of me to act pissed off and petulant, so be it. At 54, I’d rather retain my self-respect than tell my kids that I didn’t do what I should have done because my Facebook friends didn’t want me to.