Monday, December 24, 2012

My Letter to Santa

Dear Rotund, Out-of-Shape, Bearded, Jolly Dude Who Poses for Photos With Unrelated Children in Malls Around the World Each Holiday Season, Breaks Into Millions of Private Residences Via Chimneys Each December 24 and Spends an Inordinate Amount of Time in Frigid Temperatures With A Bunch of Crafty, Gaily-Dressed Little People and Nine Flying Reindeer:

I want wars to end and enemies to become friends.

I want the have-nots to be given more and the haves to be happy with what they've got.

I want six-year-old boys and girls to be safe in their classrooms and for no mother or father to have to choose a casket for their child.

I want cancers and diseases to be things of the past and for drug companies to put people before profit for a change.

I want politicians to start representing the little guys and for the big guys to find out how it feels to be belittled and ignored.

I want to see my parents more often.

I want it to be illegal for anyone to lie on television unless it’s for a dramatic role and for news networks to report actual news and let viewers decide what it means.

I want religion to be a source of comfort, not a justification for prejudice, judgment, greed, ignorance and murder.

I want it to be as easy to lose weight as it is to gain it.

I want everyone who drives a car to give a fellow motorist the right of way at least once a day.

I want corporations to be required to make business decisions that lead to healthy communities as well as healthy bottom lines.

I want people's sex lives to be their own business.

I want people to stop vilifying the messenger when they don’t like the message and for people like King, Gandhi, Lennon and RFK to stop getting shot.

I want a personal jetpack like we were promised back in the 1950s.

I want females to feel safe wherever they go and for males to know that “no” means “no.”

I want there to be fewer guns and more hospitals, parks, food kitchens and community centers.

I want girls to be able to walk to school without having acid thrown in their faces and to be able to congregate at bus stops without getting shot in the head.

I want there to be more money for schools and libraries and less for prisons and the Pentagon.

I want freedom to come with obligations and tolerance to be more than just the capacity to endure pain.

I want a sense of community to trump a sense of entitlement.

I want Donald Trump, Pat Robertson, Honey Boo Boo, Mitch McConnell, Mike Huckabee, Eric Cantor, Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, John Boehner, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Fred Phelps, Geraldo Rivera, Roger Ailes, Matt Drudge, Orly Taitz, Sarah Palin, David and Charles Koch and John Stossel to relocate to an uncharted island somewhere in the Pacific within the next 60 days where they can do to each other what they’ve done to this country.

I want Anita to be happy.

I want Walmart, McDonalds and Starbucks to make sizable cash donations to local charities whenever they build a new outlet/franchise.

I want my kids to realize how lucky they are and to devote a percentage of their time to making others feel lucky too.

I want public transportation, alternative energy and urban renewal to be promoted and pursued, not tabled and ridiculed.

I want to reconcile with my oldest child.

I want crime rates to decrease and good deeds to increase.

I want the lonely to have company, the hungry to have food, the sick to have medicine and the sad to be comforted.

I want Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez, Janis Joplin, Aaliyah, Marvin Gaye, Freddie Mercury, Buddy Holly, Otis Redding, Selena and Karen Carpenter to come back to life and resume their music careers.

I want The Learning Channel to find some self-respect and stop airing crap.

I want a Lexus IS 250C.

These are my Christmas wishes in no particular order. If you’re willing and able to grant these, I’ll do everything within my power to convince people that you, unlike Gandalf, God, Holly Golightly and Little Orphan Annie, are real.

Thanks for your consideration.

Pat Diehl


  1. Wonderful, Pat! You said it all. Have a very Merry Christmas!

  2. wonderful thoughts; however, God is real.