Thinking about Drinking

So I received a gift this morning.

When I signed in to Facebook, I came across a post entitled, “Study: Abstaining from Alcohol Significantly Shortens Life.”

That’s right. We’re supposed to drink alcohol. We need to drink alcohol in order to live long and prosper. A new study by the University of Texas at Austin – which is accredited, people – found that regular drinkers are less likely to die prematurely than people who have never indulged in alcohol.

Finally! A reason not to hate Texas so much!

The study, which evaluated 1,824 drinkers, also found that abstaining from alcohol completely can lead to a shorter life than consistent, moderate drinking, and that heavy drinkers fared better than those who abstained, with a 60 percent mortality rate.

Cirrhosis and cancer be damned. Accidents and poor judgment notwithstanding, Jack Daniels and Samuel Adams are now our friends. No more tasteless water for me. I’ve got a permission slip from Teacher to substitute Port wine for orange juice, to guzzle Labatt’s Blue instead of Gatorade.

Truth be told, I’ve had issues with the bottle before. It hasn’t always been good to me. There have been times when my drinking was merely a cause for concern, and times when it’s been a serious problem, for me and those around me. I can’t seem to just have a beer or a 7 & 7 and call it good – I’ve got to order another, and another, until that warm, fuzzy feeling morphs into that nauseous, Walking-and-Spelling-Are-No-Longer-Options feeling. If some people are genetically predisposed to end up in court-ordered treatment programs and mandatory Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, I’ve got that Gene and he’s a real dick.

On second thought, I guess I should just ignore these findings like a GOP voter ignores fact. I should probably keep reaching for the hot and spicy V8 and leave the vodka for someone else. But for a minute there I sure felt like celebrating...and what a party that would have been.