Favorite Status Updates Part 5

Time for more Facebook status updates, in random order:

• Patrick Diehl has learned that when Anita enters the room muttering about "frikkin' hormones," it's best for me to leave.

• I guess Zimmerman was wrong. Those assholes don't always get away.

• Patrick Diehl noticed the new body wash that Anita purchased for me and left in the shower contains "A SPECIAL BLEND OF INGREDIENTS GUARANTEED TO TONE AND TIGHTEN!" I think she's trying to tell me something.

• Patrick Diehl just told my 10-year-old to go upstairs if she was falling asleep on the couch and she replied, "Maybe I just take long blinks."

• "A man arrested for shooting at the White House says he was upset over U.S. marijuana laws. Man, if only there was some way to mellow that guy out." ~ Stephen Colbert

• Patrick Diehl was watching the French Open with Anita and the kids. When told Roger Federer is Swiss, eight-year-old Maya said, “He sweats? Well, you would too if you played tennis.”

• Patrick Diehl was amused today when my 11-year-old son changed his 13-year-old sister's iPhone language to Russian without her knowledge. Sibling pranks have changed a bit since I was a kid.

• Patrick Diehl wants to assure my Facebook pals that I will never, ever stoop to posting a status update about something as overhyped and inconsequential as the addition of a baby to the royal family on the other side of the pond. Well, except for this one.

• Patrick Diehl thinks the best way to honor our soldiers is to end war.

• So Republicans think 15 is too young for contraception but you can have a gun at age 5. It's like a Saturday Night Live skit - surreal, unfunny and absurd.

• Is it just me or do Ken Burns, Dave Barry and Stephen King look like brothers?

• Matt Lauer's a shallow, irritating, puffed-up, voyeuristic, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou jerk. That is all.

• Michele Bachmann's retiring?! I haven't been this pleased since Anita made meatloaf, lasagna and beef stroganoff in the same week.

• Patrick Diehl keeps receiving e-mail messages from an "Adriana" suggesting that we "hook up online" and that I "check out her private pics." Adriana is nothing if not persistent.

• Patrick Diehl hopes that when Joe Biden met with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican today, he didn’t mention what a big f*cking deal it was.

• I spent the last two days dealing with Comcast. The experience was so difficult that I was expecting Allen Funt or Ashton Kutcher to pop out at some point and tell me I've been pranked. Since corporations are now people, I'm gonna kick Comcast's ass if I see it on the street.

• Patrick Diehl couldn't care less what Ted "Washed-up Former Rock Star Who Tries to Prove His Masculinity By Shooting Animals and Saying Obnoxious, Offensive Sh*t" Nugent says or thinks about anything. I'm embarrassed that he's from Michigan.

• Even if there are trace amounts of marijuana in my system, it doesn't mean you get to stalk, scare, confront and murder me in cold blood.

• Patrick Diehl just realized I've reached the age where no one asks me to help them move anymore. I have mixed feelings about this.

• "The working poor haven't abdicated responsibility for their lives. They're drowning in it." ~ Ezra Klein, Washington Post

• Why is the whole country abuzz about the revelation that a celebrity chef from Savannah, Georgia is racist? Is this really that newsworthy or is this another orchestrated distraction?

• Patrick Diehl would rather watch reruns of "Sarah Palin's Alaska" or sing "Amazing Grace" on stage at the Hollywood Bowl while naked than hear or read about one more person justifying "Stand Your Ground" laws by saying, "I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six."

• Patrick Diehl was just listening to some classical music when my 8-year-old came in, said it was nice and asked if it was Beethoven. I didn't know so I googled the song name and found that my kid is scary and I'm in way over my head.

• Patrick Diehl thinks John Stossel is an irksome fool.

• Patrick Diehl was just informed by my eight-year-old that the neighbor’s dog is a mix of Yorkie and “shit stew.”

• Windows update shutdowns piss me off.

• "Republicans have gone from Abraham Lincoln to Teddy Roosevelt to Mitt Romney. No wonder they don't believe in evolution." ~ Andy Borowitz

• Patrick Diehl hopes Elisabeth Hasselbeck has as much luck finding a new job as she did convincing America that she wasn't a shrill, vapid neo-conservative who regurgitated GOP talking points the way my dogs regurgitate blades of grass.

• Happy 73rd birthday to Kay Diehl - my first love, best friend, most patient teacher, most forgiving ally and most neglected but appreciated mother on the Eastern seaboard.

• Rest in peace, Denis Farina, Helen Thomas, James Galdolfini, Karen Black, George Duke, Esther Williams and Jean Stapleton.

• Patrick Diehl just added Russell Brand to my "People I Dig" list.

• Patrick Diehl thinks maybe my nine-year-old is taking Mario Brothers on the Nintendo DS a little too seriously since after losing a life he muttered, “I really, really hate you people.”

• Patrick Diehl swears that if I ever meet Chef Boyardee in real life, he’s gonna pay for what his canned ravioli did to me last night.

• “We’re fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.” ~ Japanese proverb