Monday, August 12, 2013

Cute Chris Kutcher Rules!


I can’t say I’m an Ashton Kutcher fan. I don’t dislike the guy and I thought he was pretty funny as Michael Kelso in “That 70s Show” but he wasn’t really in the front of my consciousness until I ran across a video clip of his acceptance speech at last night’s 2013 Teen Choice Awards.

Kutcher accepted an Old Guy Award – which is funny because I was a junior in high school when he was born – and gave a surprisingly compelling acceptance speech over the annoying and unjustified screams of the rabid tweens in the audience. In it, he reveals an earth-shattering secret (his real first name is Chris), extols the virtues of hard work, defines “sexy” and encourages his young fans to build the kind of world in which they want to live rather than just inhabiting one created by others. Although I’m certainly no expert on celebrity acceptance speeches, I’m going to go ahead and say this one was perfect for the audience and perfectly delivered:



I sure hope at least a few of those sitting in the Gibson Ampitheater in Los Angeles and watching at home actually paid attention to his speech. As the parent of four young kids who think Kutcher’s cute, funny and cool, in that order, I know how some messengers and messages are immensely more effective than others and how challenging it can be to reach youngsters with substantive messages when our culture encourages them to eschew substance and embrace superficiality.

I’m not sure why some folks are ridiculing the guy. (I was looking for a transcript of his speech online and the search results included, “Ashton’s Speech: Wacky and Weird,” “Chris Kutcher Gives Sermon at Teen Choice Awards,” “Kutcher Delivers Oddly Motivating Speech at Teen Awards” and “Kutcher Accepts Award, Channels Jobs and Plugs New Movie.”) Just because he’s a world-famous multi-millionaire who got where he is today on good luck and pretty boy looks rather than intellect doesn’t mean he can’t impart a little wisdom whenever he finds himself onstage in front of a shrieking throng of wound-up worshippers. He’s earned a spot on my “People I Dig” list.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Lazy Days of Summer

Photo by Tom Watkins

Last Night - The Mar-keys

Sunday poetry



Spelling Father

last night
I had the most interesting dream.
in it
I was six years old
in a national spelling bee.
genius
complex words...
duodenum...
serendipity...
floccinaucinihilipilification

up until the final round
one word between me and victory
the spell master clears his throat

young man your word is father
the crowd began to chatter amongst themselves
seemingly displeased
at the simplicity of this final word
I searched for those eyes
those eyes that say

"every things going to be ok. just do it"
I dazed off
young man!
your word is father
I stood up straight, licked my lips and began
father, m-o-t-h-e-r, father…
the spell master looks at me,
down at his flash card,
back up at me

"sorry but you are incorrect"
I don't understand
my fathers sitting right in the audience

"excuse me?'
"I am sorry son but you are incorrect"
well then
you can save your sorry apologies
because you must mean "in-correct"
as in within the parameters of being right.
let me explain something to you
cuz obviously you aint grow up
where poppas are rolling stones
down the hills of women's backsides
and when he's gone
all he's left us
was alone
where minstrel men stroll around on bikes
while fathers balanced their menstrual,
2 jobs,
2 kids
and a life
on a unicycle
and it looks something like this:
breastfeeding on one arm
phone on the shoulder
cooking with the other arm
cleaning with one leg
tying sneakers with their teeth
young fathers
who make mistakes
because we are not all perfect
but the one mistake they never make
is abandoning their seeds
you see fathers
are master gardeners
they tend to every leaf
removing the weeds
placing us in the windows of opportunity
so that we can lean towards the sun
and never forget that the sky is the limit
planting kisses on our cheeks
hugs on our backs
growing their love on us
the best way they know how
like my father
my father, sacrificed owning nothing,
that I may have everything
my father, walked a daily nightmare
so that I may live out my dreams
my father watered me
with blood sweat and tears
so that I may be ripe
for the harvest
and I hope that one day
I can grow up to be as great a father
as she was for me
you did not ask me spell deadbeat sir...
but if you want dead beat here it is:
f-a-t-h-e-r, d-a-d, d-a-d-d-y, p-o-p
p-o-p-s, if you want the slang
you asked me to spell father
and father is,
always has been
and always will be spelled
m-o-t-h-e-r
so get your encyclopedias,
show me your flash cards
open your dictionary
cuz what webster says
means nothing around here
around here,
my father is sitting right there...
and I love her.

~ Marshall Davis Jones

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Lickity Split


Photo by Dianne Russell

My Favorite Things - Julie Andrews

Favorite Status Updates Part 5




Time for more Facebook status updates, in random order:

  • Patrick Diehl has learned that when Anita enters the room muttering about "frikkin' hormones," it's best for me to leave.
  • I guess Zimmerman was wrong. Those assholes don't always get away.
  • Patrick Diehl noticed the new body wash that Anita purchased for me and left in the shower contains "A SPECIAL BLEND OF INGREDIENTS GUARANTEED TO TONE AND TIGHTEN!" I think she's trying to tell me something.
  • Patrick Diehl just told my 10-year-old to go upstairs if she was falling asleep on the couch and she replied, "Maybe I just take long blinks."
  • "A man arrested for shooting at the White House says he was upset over U.S. marijuana laws. Man, if only there was some way to mellow that guy out." ~ Stephen Colbert
  • Patrick Diehl was watching the French Open with Anita and the kids. When told Roger Federer is Swiss, eight-year-old Maya said, “He sweats? Well, you would too if you played tennis.”
  • Patrick Diehl was amused today when my 11-year-old son changed his 13-year-old sister's iPhone language to Russian without her knowledge. Sibling pranks have changed a bit since I was a kid.
  • Patrick Diehl wants to assure my Facebook pals that I will never, ever stoop to posting a status update about something as overhyped and inconsequential as the addition of a baby to the royal family on the other side of the pond. Well, except for this one.
  • Patrick Diehl thinks the best way to honor our soldiers is to end war.
  • So Republicans think 15 is too young for contraception but you can have a gun at age 5. It's like a Saturday Night Live skit - surreal, unfunny and absurd.
  • Is it just me or do Ken Burns, Dave Barry and Stephen King look like brothers?
  • Matt Lauer's a shallow, irritating, puffed-up, voyeuristic, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou jerk. That is all.
  • Michele Bachmann's retiring?! I haven't been this pleased since Anita made meatloaf, lasagna and beef stroganoff in the same week.
  • Patrick Diehl keeps receiving e-mail messages from an "Adriana" suggesting that we "hook up online" and that I "check out her private pics." Adriana is nothing if not persistent.
  • Patrick Diehl hopes that when Joe Biden met with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican today, he didn’t mention what a big f*cking deal it was.
  • I spent the last two days dealing with Comcast. The experience was so difficult that I was expecting Allen Funt or Ashton Kutcher to pop out at some point and tell me I've been pranked. Since corporations are now people, I'm gonna kick Comcast's ass if I see it on the street.
  • Patrick Diehl couldn't care less what Ted "Washed-up Former Rock Star Who Tries to Prove His Masculinity By Shooting Animals and Saying Obnoxious, Offensive Sh*t" Nugent says or thinks about anything. I'm embarrassed that he's from Michigan.
  • Even if there are trace amounts of marijuana in my system, it doesn't mean you get to stalk, scare, confront and murder me in cold blood.
  • Patrick Diehl just realized I've reached the age where no one asks me to help them move anymore. I have mixed feelings about this.
  • "The working poor haven't abdicated responsibility for their lives. They're drowning in it." ~ Ezra Klein, Washington Post
  • Why is the whole country abuzz about the revelation that a celebrity chef from Savannah, Georgia is racist? Is this really that newsworthy or is this another orchestrated distraction?
  • Patrick Diehl would rather watch reruns of "Sarah Palin's Alaska" or sing "Amazing Grace" on stage at the Hollywood Bowl while naked than hear or read about one more person justifying "Stand Your Ground" laws by saying, "I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six."
  • Patrick Diehl was just listening to some classical music when my 8-year-old came in, said it was nice and asked if it was Beethoven. I didn't know so I googled the song name and found that my kid is scary and I'm in way over my head.
  • Patrick Diehl thinks John Stossel is an irksome fool.
  • Patrick Diehl was just informed by my eight-year-old that the neighbor’s dog is a mix of Yorkie and “shit stew.”
  • Windows update shutdowns piss me off.
  • "Republicans have gone from Abraham Lincoln to Teddy Roosevelt to Mitt Romney. No wonder they don't believe in evolution." ~ Andy Borowitz
  • Patrick Diehl hopes Elisabeth Hasselbeck has as much luck finding a new job as she did convincing America that she wasn't a shrill, vapid neo-conservative who regurgitated GOP talking points the way my dogs regurgitate blades of grass.
  • Happy 73rd birthday to Kay Diehl - my first love, best friend, most patient teacher, most forgiving ally and most neglected but appreciated mother on the Eastern seaboard.
  • Rest in peace, Denis Farina, Helen Thomas, James Galdolfini, Karen Black, George Duke, Esther Williams and Jean Stapleton.
  • Patrick Diehl just added Russell Brand to my "People I Dig" list.
  • Patrick Diehl thinks maybe my nine-year-old is taking Mario Brothers on the Nintendo DS a little too seriously since after losing a life he muttered, “I really, really hate you people.”
  • Patrick Diehl swears that if I ever meet Chef Boyardee in real life, he’s gonna pay for what his canned ravioli did to me last night.
  • “We’re fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.” ~ Japanese proverb