Like Nailing Jello to a Tree

I don’t understand the whole “endorsement” thing.

If someone can’t decide for themselves which politician shares their views, has their best interests at heart and deserves their vote, I don’t want that person showing up at the polling place with nothing but a suggestion from Jesse Ventura or Scott Baio in hand.

The answer is to read, not to ask Gene Simmons or Frasier Crane what you should do. I’d feel better if someone got online and googled a candidate – Google’s new voyeuristic privacy policy notwithstanding – than if they waited for Gary Busey or Wayne Newton to tell ‘em who to support.

I’ve seen Wayne Newton in concern. The man is an awesome entertainer. (He played more instruments than I can name.) Maybe if I wanted to know how to play a banjo or find a good plastic surgeon, I’d check with the dude. But is he an expert on leadership or public policy? I don’t think so.

It’s similar to choosing a cleaning product based on Kelly Ripa’s preference – you think a woman who makes $20 million per year really gets on her hands and knees and vacuums under her 31-cubic-foot, stainless steel refrigerator? – or a minivan that Dale Earnhardt Jr. has never been in but was paid a wagon load of cash to endorse. It makes about as much sense as having a screen door on a submarine or trying to nail Jello to a tree.

On top of this, celebrities have changed their minds and rescinded or switched their endorsements. What does that tell you? They can’t even make up their minds but you want to let them make up yours?

And what about when two candidates are locked in a heated race? They trash each other on a daily basis, slinging mud and digging up dirt, until primary Election Day, when one of ‘em emerges victorious – and is then endorsed by his or her opponent, the same person who just spent months diligently trying to convince us that the winner was a loser who should be banished to an uncharted island? What does that say about the integrity of the endorsement process?

Did anyone notice that Herman Cain and Rick Perry both endorsed Newt Gingrich recently? If Herman Cain, the pizza magnate who deemed it impractical for the U.S. to attack Iran because that country has mountains, and Rick Perry, the dumb-as-a-rock racist who couldn’t recall the three federal agencies his political consultants had proposed that he eliminate, think the philandering former speaker who resigned from Congress in disgrace ought to be our president, then he’s the least fit to occupy the White House in my view.

I guess I can understand why some endorsements would be sought, especially if they increase public awareness of a product or enhance the credibility (or campaign coffers) of a political candidate. But I’m uncomfortable with the idea of registered voters pulling the lever based on what Joey Tribbiani or Lieutenant Wojciehowicz from Barney Miller told them to do.

If a big name wanted to endorse “What’s the Diehl?” and it resulted in more hits and contributions, I’d be inclined to revise my opinion. But until that happens, multimillionaires Snoop Dogg, Oprah and Babs Streisand can save their breath ‘cause I really don’t care for whom they’re voting or what cleaning products their employees prefer.

Perry/Cain/Gingrich photo courtesy CNN.