Favorite Status Updates Part 1

I’m taking it easy today because Devina’s still sick. I’ve compiled a list of favorite Facebook status updates, in no particular order:

• “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity...and I’m not sure about the universe.” ~ Albert Einstein

• 97 percent of teens would cry if they saw Robert Pattinson (Edward Cullen from Twilight) standing on top of a skyscraper about to jump. If you’re one of the 3% who would sit there eating popcorn and screaming, “DO A FLIP, YOU SPARKLY BITCH!” then copy and paste this as your status.

• “President Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You’re thinking of Jesus.” ~ John Fugelsang

• Patrick Diehl thinks it’s cool how my five-year-old described a special needs kid in her class: “He’s got artism. He’s a little artistic.”

• Patrick Diehl thinks it’s funny that being called a “socialist” is supposed to be an insult. Yeah, it’s just inexcusable to be opposed to unfairly concentrated power and wealth through exploitation, isn’t it?

• “New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth.” ~ Thomas Hardy

• How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, “BINGO!”

• Message I received from Mafia Wars: “Sorry, you can’t help yourself.”

• “The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking.” ~ A.A. Milne

• “Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” ~ Charles Bukowski

• “Not only will we have to repent for the sins of bad people, but we also will have to repent for the appalling silence of good people.” ~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

• “Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.” ~ Dennis Leary

• Patrick Diehl wants k.d. lang to sing “Hallelujah” at my funeral.

• Patrick Diehl asked my 11-year-old why she was trying to fit a head of lettuce into the freezer just now and she answered, “It’s iceberg lettuce. Duh.”

• Patrick Diehl was asked by my seven-year-old if I had ever heard “Give Peace a Chance” by some guy named John something.

• Patrick Diehl just saw the following slogan emblazoned across the side of a passing milk truck: “From the titties to the cities.” I wonder if the marketing executive who came up with that was male or female.

• Patrick Diehl wonders exactly when Dennis Miller went from being a clever, intelligent, funny comedian to a vile, unfunny, far-right, contrived, desperate, Glenn Beck-loving douchebag.

• Patrick Diehl just passed a church with a sign saying, “Jesus is hunting for you.” This is supposed to make me feel good?

• Patrick Diehl was listening to my seven-year-old describe a movie and maintained my composure right up until she mentioned the mad scientist and his secret lavatory.

• Patrick Diehl was asked by Anita to taste some cheesecake she found in the fridge to see if it had gone bad or not. I’ve added “family goat” to the list of roles I play around here.

• “Never be deceived that the rich will permit you to vote away their wealth.” ~ Lucy Parsons

• Patrick Diehl needed to tell my nine-year-old son that the color of the car next to us at the traffic light was not “alabastard.”

• “He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice.” ~ Albert Einstein

• Patrick Diehl was just asked by my five-year-old, “Where’s the closest donut factory?” She always was my favorite.

• “Never underestimate the galvanizing power of fear and the pervasiveness of ignorance.” ~ Michelle Hurd Riddick

• Patrick Diehl is watching my kids play at the bus stop and remembering how cool it was when everything was new, anything was possible and just being alive was reason to giggle and celebrate and sing. Wonder if tomorrow they’ll let me wait for the bus with them.

• Patrick Diehl is amused. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad just called his new unmanned bomber the “ambassador of death.” Back in 2002 Bush the Stupid referred to Iran, Iraq and North Korea as the “axis of evil.” Where do these guys get this stuff? Marvel Comics?

• “All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

• “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” ~ Anne Frank

• Patrick Diehl is going to treat Facebook like my ex-wives this holiday weekend: I’m going to interact with it as little as possible.

• “How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don’t think.” ~ Adolph Hitler

• Patrick Diehl thinks Shaquille O’Neal is the sh*t. I can’t think of a more likable, charming, compelling 7-feet-1-inch, 325-pound man.

• Patrick Diehl told my seven-year-old that she couldn’t take her Nintendo DSi with her to our appointment. Her response? “Geez, you are so hard to work with.”

• Patrick Diehl asked my seven-year-old why she doesn’t want to finish the eggs I made for her. Her answer: “Because they just don’t mix with my tastebugs.”

• Patrick Diehl had to write a check yesterday for $666. That can’t be good.

• Patrick Diehl asked my five-year-old what she thought of her first root beer float at A & W. Her answer: “It changed my life.”

• “If we go forward, we die; if we go backward, we die. So let’s go forward and die.” ~ African saying

• Patrick Diehl thinks it’s fitting that the Kentucky Department of Agriculture is headed by one Richie Farmer.

• Patrick Diehl had to vent to Anita about something that was bothering me. After my little tirade, I took a deep breath and said, “Okay, now it’s your turn to vent. What’s bothering you?” She replied, “How you vent so much.”